Scrap that...

...I found my sidekick. She's called Yasmin Delfonte and she is everything I could ever want in a woman. Apologies to all the candidates that didn't make it through, especially Tracy who I know really had her oversized heart on the job.


She even has lasers for eyeballs and can hypnotise people with her nipples.

Post-apocalyptic sidekick interviews

So, I’ve been holding interviews for a few weeks now to ensure that I have the right sidekick once the apocalypse comes. I was looking for people with survival skills and charisma. I also thought that it would be best if I found someone that I could romantically engage with as I imagine it’ll get a little lonesome out in the wastelands. Here are the four shortlisted candidates. I expect to make a final decision just after Christmas.

Tracy

Tracy was great and she wore a neat outfit, which I admired. She also had the most amazing hair I think I've ever seen on a woman. Truly incredible. However, she seemed a little aggressive at times, which she blamed on some medication she was taking, but I forgave her when she opened my beer bottle with her incredibly strong anus. 7/10

.

Fiona

Fiona wasn't much of a talker, but like the previous candidate she impressed me with her outfit. And she had plenty to offer; perhaps even too much. The only negative comment I could make is that she stared at me quite intently throughout the interview and kept licking her lips. However, she impressed me when she opened my beer bottle with her 'tummy clunge'. 8/10

'Priss'

'Priss' arrived late for the interview because she had been up all night at an Apoptygma Berzerk gig. She didn't even have to time to take the belts out of her hair. But for some reason all cybergoths are going to survive the apocalypse and party hard into our atomic future by dancing to terrible music and riding motorbikes made out of lasers. Seems sensible to get to know them first. 6/10

'Karen'


Karen was amazing; a real energy and thirst for living that only mums that have gone through the menopause and a sloppy divorce seem to have. And she definitely looked the part. But when I asked her some key questions regarding survival skills and radiation sickness she could only reply by saying, "Hmmpgh, ghhosh shik ishh pumphgh. ghs?" She also got a nasty static shock off my fridge door. 4/10

People I least want to survive the Apocalypse #2

This landed on my colleague’s desk this morning. It is a real question, asked by a real grown-up working for an IT magazine. The person responding works for my company’s idiot IT department.

Q: Describe your service culture in terms of a fruit or vegetable.

A: A Nice ripe Peach. Lovely to look at and very pleasant on first contact. Satisfies both hunger and thirst (represents technical and personable aspects of the service.) Plenty of substance with a hard inner core representing very strong customer focussed values, clear processes and defined methodology. And once eaten the core remains and could be used to grow, showing self-help for the customer.

Firstly, who asks that question? Excluding eight year-olds, who does that? Where do they live? Name names.

And Holy God. The answer is literally incredible. Not even the most degenerate mind could possibly say that hunger and thirst really represent the technical and personable aspects of an information technology service.

Verdict: death by zombie rape. No, wait, that's not enough. Living out the rest of their lives discussing the business benefits of Microsoft Project is perhaps punishment enough.

Holy shit! Terminator 4 is out soon.

Have you heard Batman talk in the new trailer for Terminator: Salvation? Has he got throat cancer? Just cough for Christ's sake, you'll end up not sounding like a knob the whole time.

Anyways, I'm struggling to type because I just ate seven potatoes, but I did want to register my happiness that they've made a new film about robots killing people. That's one of my favourite things ever.

And on an unrelated matter, when I'm stalking around the wastelands I really do want a cool dog. I'm thinking either this or this.

People I least want to survive an atomic bomb #1

This fist magnet.

Nice hat, by the way. What the heck is that thing? It looks like a crash helmet made from my Aunty's old dog. And if he does survive the blast someone has to promise me he gets made into a hat that I can wear.

Post-apocalyptic fashion #2

Have you any idea how much amazing fashion is strewn across the post-apocalyptic wastelands? Just because you're dying from radiation poisoning and everyone you love is now dead or riddled with cancer, does not stop you from making an effort out there.

I think my obsession with the apocalypse started with my crush on the well-dressed brunette honey from the largely forgotten post-apocalyptic TV show Ark II. Seriously, how hot does she look in that uniform? Although I don't remember her being so much shorter than the rest of the cast.


Crikey. How much saline solution do you need to make a testicle that big? And holding your penis aloft with a bridle and sticking a mop in your bum just makes everyone think you are an actual show pony. Poser.


Only after surviving a 2,000 year space voyage at near-light speed, witnessing the murder of your friend and colleague, being imprisoned, put on trial and having your hi-tech outfit stolen by a bunch of primitive humans do you throw in the towel and say, “you know what? I’ve had enough. I’ve always wanted to fuck a monkey, I’m now going to fuck a monkey and no one can stop me from fucking the monkey.”

OK. How amazing do these guys look? They're like a combination of all of my favourite dance moves/album covers/homoerotic desires prancing around on what can only be described as the best looking horses I've certainly ever seen.



I love the way mass murderers always look so unassuming and studious.

Post-apocalyptic fashion #1

One of the best things about the apocalypse will be the birth of new and exciting fashions. If you’re eating nothing but out-of-date dog food and living in a cave, you’re probably going to be limited about what you can cover your genitals with. But that’s a great excuse to go crazy with inventiveness. An interesting theme I’ve noticed from some of my favourite post-apocalyptic films is that massive nappies are sort of the norm when it comes to covering up your dingles in the wastelands. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s to do with freedom.

For instance, I used to think that if there was no government or system of law that men would rally together to make the principles of anarcho-syndicalism a utopian reality. Turns out they just found an excuse to dress as giant sex babies outside of the house.

Hang on, how did he order an entire outfit from the Next catalogue?

I love the freedom that comes after the apocalypse. Only by destroying every convention that has gone before us can we really start over and wear something as daring as that moustache without fear of derision.

Ohmygod. The only thing that could make this outfit any cooler would be a solitary gold tooth. What a muthafucker.

However, I'm not so keen on the Overly-Interested-Uncle look.

The Apocalypse: what's not to like?

Imagine living here! Sweet.

Trees are totally overrated anyway.

Oh my God. This is so beautiful I want to cry.

'The best view in London'. Amazing.