Post-apocalyptic sidekick interviews

So, I’ve been holding interviews for a few weeks now to ensure that I have the right sidekick once the apocalypse comes. I was looking for people with survival skills and charisma. I also thought that it would be best if I found someone that I could romantically engage with as I imagine it’ll get a little lonesome out in the wastelands. Here are the four shortlisted candidates. I expect to make a final decision just after Christmas.

Tracy

Tracy was great and she wore a neat outfit, which I admired. She also had the most amazing hair I think I've ever seen on a woman. Truly incredible. However, she seemed a little aggressive at times, which she blamed on some medication she was taking, but I forgave her when she opened my beer bottle with her incredibly strong anus. 7/10

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Fiona

Fiona wasn't much of a talker, but like the previous candidate she impressed me with her outfit. And she had plenty to offer; perhaps even too much. The only negative comment I could make is that she stared at me quite intently throughout the interview and kept licking her lips. However, she impressed me when she opened my beer bottle with her 'tummy clunge'. 8/10

'Priss'

'Priss' arrived late for the interview because she had been up all night at an Apoptygma Berzerk gig. She didn't even have to time to take the belts out of her hair. But for some reason all cybergoths are going to survive the apocalypse and party hard into our atomic future by dancing to terrible music and riding motorbikes made out of lasers. Seems sensible to get to know them first. 6/10

'Karen'


Karen was amazing; a real energy and thirst for living that only mums that have gone through the menopause and a sloppy divorce seem to have. And she definitely looked the part. But when I asked her some key questions regarding survival skills and radiation sickness she could only reply by saying, "Hmmpgh, ghhosh shik ishh pumphgh. ghs?" She also got a nasty static shock off my fridge door. 4/10